Grace Based Discipline: How to be at your best when your kids are at their worst

Episode 47: Interview with Karis Kimmel Murray

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About Karis Kimmel Murray

Karis Kimmel Murray is a wife, mother, writer, gardener and watcher of NCIS. She is passionate about parenting with Grace, being her husband’s best friend and trying to live her life fearlessly. Karis is the Creative Director at Family Matters where she oversees the messaging and marketing of the ministry’s resources through the blog, social media and radio.
Karis’s parents, Dr. Tim and Darcy Kimmel founded Family Matters more than 30 years ago, and she grew up in the home that was the proving ground for the philosophy and theology of Grace Based Parenting. Because grace is her first language and second nature, she is in a unique position to give an “insider’s perspective” of how a kid raised in a culture of grace turns out.

3 big ideas discussed in this episode:

  • When kids are at their worst, we have to respond rather than react
  • When kids are at their worst, we have to separate their actual behavior from the heart behind us.
  • When your kids behave at their worst, be on the lookout for unmet needs

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Show Notes:

WHEN KIDS ARE AT THEIR WORST WE HAVE TO RESPOND RATHER THAN REACT

  • When we approach the discipline situation we have to respond them calmly like a traffic cop who writes a speeding ticket, who doesn’t freak out or doesn’t take it personally he just writes it off and move on to his day.
  • It is our job to act as first responders to the urgency situations that their behavior creates.
  • Discipline is not as punishment. Those are two distinctly different things.
  • Punishment is done vengefully, it is done to repay the victim or the actions of the perpetrator.
  • Discipline is more on reformation and restoration of the offender.
  • Discipline is about their being in their best interest and for their own good.
  • Our kids will listen to and believe in what we say.

WHEN KIDS ARE AT THEIR WORST WE HAVE TO SEPARATE THEIR ACTUAL BEHAVIOR FROM THE HEART BEHIND US.

  • That defines the parent and child relationship between God and us. How can we use that and apply it to our own kids? God separates our behavior from our heart. As far as things go far away from each other He takes that sin and He removes it from us.
  • “The Basket” is some sort of mental compartment that we have and anytime you are in a situation where your kid is doing that bothers you, if it’s escalating your emotions (if it is making your blood boil then it qualifies).
  • When you are emotional you are not thinking.
  • Calm yourself and figure out what needs to be done then do it.

WHEN YOUR KIDS BEHAVE ATE THEIR WORST TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR UNMET NEEDS

  • We are trying to determine our kids’ motivations. Regardless of what it is they are doing is helpful to figure out why they are doing what they are doing.
  • Sometimes there is no reason, sometimes it is just developmental.
  • Sometimes kids do what they do because they are trying to meet a legitimate need, in an illegitimate way.
  • Three categories of needs: (1) physical needs “hangry” is a word for a reason. (2) special needs- this might be things like physical handicaps, mental illnesses or developmental delays. (3) inner needs- the need for secure love, the need for a significant purpose, and the need for a strong hope.
  • When you see a pattern of behavior in your kids it might be an indication that there is an unmet need that plays.
  • Have clear boundaries and expectations with your kids.
  • In order to respond for our kid the need to discipline, we give them what they desperately need in the situation, but might not be necessarily deserved.

Quotes:

  • Grace is God giving us something that we desperately need, but don’t necessarily deserve.
  • Our kids will listen to, and believe in what we say.
  • Calm yourself and figure out what needs to be done then do it.
  • Sometimes kids do what they do because they are trying to meet a legitimate need in an illegitimate way.

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